Trying to fix my f*cked-upness is tough. I get why people don’t do it.

I have been thinking all week about what it means to “do the work” on a personal level.

Doing the work, to me, means embarking on a journey of awareness both internal and external, in ways that allow healing to happen and a healthier way of life to transpire as a result of that healing.

More plainly, it means that I can’t run from my problems. I have to sit with and then sort through them if I want to be released from their power and live a better life.

Once, I was invited to do a foursome (mind you I had never even done a threesome), involving myself, a dude I had been with before, my best friend at the time, and his boyfriend.

I said yes, attempting to try something new, right? When the time came to do so, I showed up, got naked, and before anything happened – broke down in tears. In front of everyone.

What happened was at that moment, my mind recognized that I had no control in that variation of variables. The tears were a visible representation of my power draining because of that. And as you may have already assumed, the foursome quickly became a no-some.

This experience took place a little over two years ago. I hadn’t put much thought into the why this happened until recently, and after doing so, I have been able to connect the dots in other aspects of my life.

You see, in this situation I had to look at how being molested at an age when I barely knew what my penis was, shows up and shapes how I view or deal with sex, sexuality and sexual fluidity as an adult. Moreover, I have had to look at how the way I deal with sex mirrors how I deal with life.

Feeling like I had no control over my sexual abuse shows up in my need to have full control over everything, especially my body, especially in sex.

Crazy, right?

A few days ago my friend Ian unpacked his ideology of sex, and how it relates to the lives we create outside the act of it, with me. It fucked me up in such a way that I rejected it because I knew his thoughts made sense to my Spirit self.

Sidenote: Ego always shows up in the form of rejection because all the Spirit wants to do is be free, and the ego wants to protect the Spirit out of fear.

The truth of the matter is, as much as it took for me to come to an understanding of just how deeply connected the parallels of sex and life are, I still have to find the energy to dig deeper.

Now I have to figure out how to reimagine what sex looks like without trying to control everything in it. Or, what sex looks like without me allowing past experiences to keep me from fully living in something that is new and possibly enjoyable. Adding weight to this is the fact that I, and now you, know that how I have dealt with sex is how I deal with life in general. Which means,  reimagining sex means reimagining my life. Insert a blank face here.

THAT is tough work, and I don’t like it. However, my mess won’t go anywhere if I don’t move it.

Also published on Medium.

  • 1Whitewater1

    Keep me posted because I know this story personally and still looking for ways to cope and deal with it.