You don’t have to act like you want to date me when you really just want to f*ck.

When we reach the age of 18, there are legally no restrictions for consensual sexual activities. Plainly, this means that if you are 18 or over and you want to engage in something sexual, at any level, and you have been given consent by all parties to do so, then you have a full range of landscape to explore. Yet and still, we live in a culture that has made it almost mandatory to hide our truest desires.

We have publically told people that they can’t want sex, engage in sex, talk about sex or request sex based on life rules or morality systems (largely shaped by religion) that many of us don’t believe in or follow through with in our personal lives.

Why is this a problem? 

Because a society of people who at heart want to be sexually liberated have been shaped and almost forced to live double lives when they don’t have to. I have met a significant amount of men who have led interactions with me in a way that looked like courtship when all they really wanted was a fuck.  It would go something like the following:

We meet (whether it be online or offline). Exchange numbers. Meet up for coffee, drinks or lunch.  Text each other in the morning as we start our day. That happens for some time, right? Then things get a bit more serious. Talking on the phone all night begins. Coffee and happy hour meet-ups become dinner dates. And then, sex happens. The energy shifts and it becomes all about sex. And then because of the way all of this came about, read: the acts of courtship, confusion occurs. The conversation about where we are and what we are doing comes up and the response is something like “we’re just having fun.”

Bitch. What?

Now, granted. Because of this, I know now that conversations have to be had in the very beginning about what we are looking for and where we are going before anything happens. A few more conversations after the journey starts should take place as well, concerning the pace and the direction we are going as things progress in relation to the preliminary conversation too.  This is to ensure that everyone is on the same page before, during and after.

But what happens when this is involving people who are new to the game and don’t know this? What if there are some of us who really think that if a person wants to date us, they’ll act like they do. And if they want to fuck, they’ll act like they want to do that too?

I have issues regarding sex. I’ll write more about this in a later post. However, there are many people who don’t have any issues around sex and will give it to you freely if you asked for it. And even with that, I have to think about the people on the other side of the coin who don’t ask for sex or talk about it with the people they are interested in sharing sexual experiences with, all because they don’t want to be labeled as too forward or at worst, a creep or slut.

Why are we not taught that there is a way to respectfully go about asking for sex without having to create this whole boyfriend or girlfriend experience in the process? Why does a culture that operates in and out of sex on a private level force people to live in this box publically — and then act stupid when situationships are more popular than relationships are?

I ask these questions because I know for sure I am tired of looking at all this wasted time, missed oppprtunitues and hurt feelings among other things. More than that, I am tired of people living in a way that doesn’t really speak to where they are and what they want right now. Until we are able to really have honest conversations about topics such as this one, we’ll never be able to create healthier patterns in our lives. And for the record, you don’t have to act like my boyfriend when you really just want to fuck.



Also published on Medium.

  • Y’all can’t handle the truth. I’ve witnessed – and done so a couple of times myself – judgment being passed because a person isn’t looking to settle down. Marriage ain’t for errbody. Plus, even though a dude still live with his mama doesn’t mean he doesn’t have needs. I try to remind myself of this stuff when a guy hits me up and only wants to bump n grind.

    Hopefully somebody in the comments can answer your questions at the end better than I just attempted to. Fingers crossed.

  • Jazmine Perez Lmsw

    I get it, but this is something men need to be honest and upfront about. But when it comes down to it, women are the ones that are highest at risk for getting STDs, HIV, and getting pregnant! If this is how it’s going to be, then men need to stop lying about their intentions with women. Because they’re the ones that sell a relationship when all they want to do is fuck. Commitment is an issue for men, not women!

  • I think if we start the conversation at a young age, with honesty and trust … this would become less of an issue. We have to stop hiding and shunning sex and then maybe the tides change. We still got a long way tho !

  • mikail

    Unfortunately there isn’t just one problem here, and therefore there is no single solution. There are people (male/fem/other) that are solely focused on what they want. So even having that first conversation and telling you that they are interested in dating, will be done with you after they get to hit a couple times. Because they know if they’re honest with you then they won’t get to sleep with you. Then on the other hand we have the ability to remain fairly anonymous and connect and discuss meeting up. But even in those situations people can’t simply say I’m not interested and that be the end of the conversation. No, there has to be back talk. ‘I didn’t want you anyway’ or fuck you too then’ or on the other hand ‘I don’t like your ugly Adam or you’re not in my league’. Things like that tear down any chance we have at building a civilization where we can be accepted for wanting to satisfy our needs, because we continue to tear each other down. The nastiness is unnecessary. Not interested should be the end of it. Move on to the next person.

    In response to Jazmine though… please believe there are plenty of women out there who want to fuck without strings. We aren’t discussing commitment here. I don’t deny that women are at a higher risk in someways but this talk isn’t about men trying to plow through women. To be honest that’s already accepted in our society. We are talking about not being shamed into keeping quiet and being dishonest about what we really want to do with our bodies.

    Ronaldmatters… I agree. Judgement is a serious issue. A tough habit to break. But not impossible. Everyone has the tendency in one way or another. We need to recognize that and make the decision to put it aside.