When we reach the age of 18, there are legally no restrictions for consensual sexual activities. Plainly, this means that if you are 18 or over and you want to engage in something sexual, at any level, and you have been given consent by all parties to do so, then you have a full range of landscape to explore. Yet and still, we live in a culture that has made it almost mandatory to hide our truest desires.
We have publically told people that they can’t want sex, engage in sex, talk about sex or request sex based on life rules or morality systems (largely shaped by religion) that many of us don’t believe in or follow through with in our personal lives.
Why is this a problem?
Because a society of people who at heart want to be sexually liberated have been shaped and almost forced to live double lives when they don’t have to. I have met a significant amount of men who have led interactions with me in a way that looked like courtship when all they really wanted was a fuck. It would go something like the following:
We meet (whether it be online or offline). Exchange numbers. Meet up for coffee, drinks or lunch. Text each other in the morning as we start our day. That happens for some time, right? Then things get a bit more serious. Talking on the phone all night begins. Coffee and happy hour meet-ups become dinner dates. And then, sex happens. The energy shifts and it becomes all about sex. And then because of the way all of this came about, read: the acts of courtship, confusion occurs. The conversation about where we are and what we are doing comes up and the response is something like “we’re just having fun.”
Now, granted. Because of this, I know now that conversations have to be had in the very beginning about what we are looking for and where we are going before anything happens. A few more conversations after the journey starts should take place as well, concerning the pace and the direction we are going as things progress in relation to the preliminary conversation too. This is to ensure that everyone is on the same page before, during and after.
But what happens when this is involving people who are new to the game and don’t know this? What if there are some of us who really think that if a person wants to date us, they’ll act like they do. And if they want to fuck, they’ll act like they want to do that too?
I have issues regarding sex. I’ll write more about this in a later post. However, there are many people who don’t have any issues around sex and will give it to you freely if you asked for it. And even with that, I have to think about the people on the other side of the coin who don’t ask for sex or talk about it with the people they are interested in sharing sexual experiences with, all because they don’t want to be labeled as too forward or at worst, a creep or slut.
Why are we not taught that there is a way to respectfully go about asking for sex without having to create this whole boyfriend or girlfriend experience in the process? Why does a culture that operates in and out of sex on a private level force people to live in this box publically — and then act stupid when situationships are more popular than relationships are?
I ask these questions because I know for sure I am tired of looking at all this wasted time, missed oppprtunitues and hurt feelings among other things. More than that, I am tired of people living in a way that doesn’t really speak to where they are and what they want right now. Until we are able to really have honest conversations about topics such as this one, we’ll never be able to create healthier patterns in our lives. And for the record, you don’t have to act like my boyfriend when you really just want to fuck.
Also published on Medium.